Marriage

Here is the material from our Family Enrichment Seminar held February 10th,
2012 through February 11th, 2012. We appreciate the participation and support
from everyone who attended and look forward to additional opportunities for
fellowship and growth.

Small Marriage Tips
that Make a Huge Difference

Change one small thing for the
good in your marriage and you’ll change the entire course of the
relationship. Here are some simple tips you can use starting right now.

* Pray. Prayer opens the
channels of the Creator’s power and blessing. Nothing is too big, and nothing is
too small or insignificant to talk about with God. In your own words, in
any language, from the heart. Here are
the key elements of prayer:

• Praise—Recognize Who you are
  speaking with

• Ask—Ask for what you want, you
  can’t bother the Creator of the World!

• Thank—Expressing gratitude
  opens you up to receive more

* Absolutely no sarcasm.
Ever. The word "sarcastic” comes from Greek and means “to tear flesh.”
Don’t do it

* Silence is powerful. It
can either hurt or it can heal depending on how you use it.

• If your spouse says something
  that hurts you, “zip-the-lip” and do not reply in kind. You can gently walk
  away if it doesn’t stop. Do not let anger escalate, either one of you can
  make this change.

• Do not use silence as a
  punishment or as a weapon.

• Silence used positively is a
  loving intention to listen. Just listen when your spouse has
  something to say and wants to be heard.

* Don't speak from anger.
Recognize that anger comes from hurt. If someone is in pain, what that soul
really needs is kindness and understanding. If you are the angry one, let go of
the anger and ask for help and understanding.

* Forgive mistakes. Being
human means you will fall on your face -- as a friend, child, parent,
spouse, or any other role you’ll take on in life. The key to success in anything
we do is standing up one more time than we fall. Forgive your own mistakes and
imperfections, and your spouse’s too.

* Communicate to build. If
something hurts your feelings, you can say, “That hurt.” If your partner
tells you that you said something that hurt, stop and say what you need to say
so that it does not feel like an attack. We send out daggers when we feel like
we need to defend. We are not making war; we are making peace in the home. Take
baby steps!

* Ask and listen. Ask what
your spouse needs to feel loved. Listen to the answer. Repeat it back to make
sure you understand. Now you have powerful information to nourish your marriage.

* Don’t do defensive. So
often we feel accused, blamed, and guilty, and then turn it around by blaming
and accusing. When your spouse is upset about something, keep your mind open to
finding a win/win solution. If one of
you has to be “right" and the other is “wrong,” you both lose. The goal is for
both of you to feel loved and valued.

* Look for solutions, not
problems. If you were 100% responsible for creating this relationship, what
would you do differently? (How would you give, receive, ask, listen, share,
serve, or communicate?)

* “The grass is greenest where
you water it.” Compliment, spend time together, give gifts, do nice things
for each other, be generous with affection, and lavish appreciation. Cut each
other slack when needed --apply forgiveness liberally. Stay open to humor.

 

You build a house one brick at a
time. You build a marriage, one kind word, one kind deed, one moment at a time,
and then another and another. Consistently. Over time. Your marriage is worth
every drop of love and effort you put into it.

 

 

Marriage Issues-Marriage Blues

Are you tired of the same old
marriage issues? Do you have the marriage blues?
Then quit! That's
right, you have our permission.

* Quit being Selfish

Marriage is about the needs of two
people; it's not all about you. I know you have needs, dreams, and desires, but
so does your spouse. Unless both of your needs are met, your marriage will be
unbalanced and likely unhappy.

* Quit Focusing on the Negative

Put your marriage issues in perspective. Your spouse is likely not a monster;
otherwise, you wouldn't have gotten married. Ask yourself what it was that
attracted you to them in the first place? Now begin focusing on their good
qualities.

* Quit Speaking Negative Words
into the Atmosphere
That is, always complaining about what your spouse is or is not. The Bible says
that the power of life and death are in the tongue. In other words, your spoken
words carry a lot of weight -- so speak life!

* Quit Thinking Negatively

Remember this, everything you see and touch in this world began as a thought in
somebody's mind. So, if you are constantly thinking negatively about your
marriage, then that's what's going to manifest. Instead, be transformed by the
renewing of your mind. If you think about a thing long enough, soon that thing
will become a reality.

* Quit Doubting God's Ability

Is there anything too hard for God? Absolutely not! He is omniscient,
omnipresent, and omnipotent. That means He knows everything, is
everywhere at all times, and has all power. Surely He can handle your situation.

* Quit Talking to Friends and
Family about Your Marriage Issues
You see, when you have forgiven your spouse and moved past the situation, your
friends and family will not forget so easily. They may likely begin treating
your spouse differently. If you need to talk, talk to your spouse. If you need
professional intervention, talk to a counselor.

* Quit Expecting Your Spouse to
be Perfect
Why do you expect more from your spouse than you do from yourself. You place
such high standards on your spouse but forget that neither of you is perfect.
Try applying a little grace and mercy.

* Quit Looking Back and Begin
Looking Forward
Paul said, "forgetting those things which are behind and pressing forward".
Leave the past in the past where it
belongs. You will never be successful at building a better future if you spend
the majority of your time looking
backwards.

* Quit Rehearsing the Problem
and Start Rehearsing the Solution
They say "practice makes perfect". That is to say, you will master that which
you do repeatedly. It doesn't matter if the action is honorable or not; if you
do it long enough you'll become a master of it. Don't become a master of
complaining. Practice solutions and become the master of resolution
instead.

* Quit Taking Your Spouse for
Granted
Don't belittle the positive aspects of your spouse's character. Your spouse is
valuable in God's sight. If you don't
recognize their value, someone else will.

* Quit Placing Conditions on
Your Love
Real love, that is, the love of God, is unconditional. God loves you through the
issues of life and so you must love your spouse -- even through marriage issues.

 

 

Why Marriages Fail Between
Christians

Marriages in the Christian
community are failing at an alarming rate. This is both shocking and disturbing
because it means that we, as Christians, are not walking in the fullness of
God's plan.

Why is this happening? There are
several reasons why marriages are dissolving.
Some are small issues and others a little more serious. We will do our
best to give you as many as we can. Are you ready?

Reason #1

Both partners come into the
relationship with unrealistic expectations of the other person, this always
creates problems in marriage.
These expectations are formed by media, society, our experiences, and family up
bringing.

Lets look at some of the
unreasonable expectations we sometimes bring into marriage:

• The husband is supposed to
  have all the answers

• The wife is supposed to stay
  home
  

• I can change my partner after
  we get married
  

• The husband should make more
  money than the wife
  

• Marriage means sex anytime I
  want it
  

• The husband is the boss
  
  

• If I can just get married,
  I’ll be happy
  

• I can be married and still
  live like I did when I was single

Reason #2

Many people get married with the
wrong motives. In other words, they get married for the wrong reasons. Let's
look at some of them:

• They believe If they get
  married they'll be better off financially

• They mistake infatuation for
  love
  

• They mistake lust for love
  
  

• Sinless sex

• In order to please family

• Because of pregnancy

• Because it just seems like the
  next logical step
  

• Because most of my closest
  friends are all married

Reason #3

The two individuals have two
completely different sets of values. Another way of saying it is they're
unequally yoked. Being unequally yoked can apply to more than just
religious beliefs:

• Different religious beliefs
  
  

• Different upbringings
  
  

• Different goals
  
  

• Different personal habits

• Different beliefs regarding
  marriage
  

• Different beliefs regarding
  raising children
  

• Different perspectives on life
  
  

• Different visions of the
  future

Reason #4

You fail to appreciate your mates
God given differences. Instead you label
your mates differences as character
flaws.

• My husband is too laid back
  
  

• My wife is too aggressive
  
  

• My husband is too messy
  
  

• My wife is too organized
  
  

• My husband is too analytical
  
  

• My wife talks too much

Reason #5

You fail to leave and cleave as
the Bible instructs in Genesis 2:20-24

• The husband places his mother
  in the position where his wife should be
  
  

• The wife runs to her parents’
  home when ever there’s a problem in the relationship
  
  

• The husband makes frequent
  comparisons between his mother and wife
  
  

• The wife tells her
  mother/other relatives about their personal problems
  
  

• The husband seeks marital
  counsel from his mother/other relatives

Reason #6

You think the problem is your mate
when the problem could actually be your flawed thinking.
You fail to see your own faults.

• If my husband/wife would only
  _______________________ I would be happy
  
  

• If my husband/wife was more
  like ______________________ this marriage would work
  
  

• If my husband/wife could only
  see how wrong they are, we wouldn’t argue so much
  
  

• If my husband/wife was more
  mature….
  

• If my husband/wife read the
  Bible more…
  

• If my husband/wife prayed
  more….

Perhaps the biggest reason why
Christian marriages fail is because couples fail to govern their marriages
according to Christian principles!

 

 

Ten Things Men Wish Women Knew

Ladies, it's not complicated.

1.

Just like women, we need love. Even though women have the reputation
of being more emotionally needy, we find ourselves longing for those words.
Please say them often.

2.

Additionally we crave respect and approval. Show us admiration and
your wish will be our command. Nag us or attack us and we will retreat to our
caves.

3.

We are not mind readers. We can’t anticipate your needs and desires.
Tell us what you want. Help us out. We want to give to you but you need to tell
us how. Don’t be coy; be straight. The proof of our love is not in our
clairvoyance but in our response to your clearly expressed wishes.

4.
We respect what a good
mother you are and how much you do for the community, but we do not want to be
at the bottom of your to-do list. We want to feel like we are the most important
person in your life. (Would you mind getting off the phone when we walk in the
door?)

5.

Our desire for physical intimacy is not some trivial biological need
that we should just suppress until the kids are older. It is an expression of
our desire for a deep and profound connection with you. When you rebuff it, it
is hurtful and we feel rejected. Imagine if we are always too tired to talk to
you…

6.

Our jobs are important to us – for our self-worth, for a feeling of
accomplishment, and because we want to provide for our families. Please try to
understand that we work hard and are actually not on the golf course all day.

7.

You seem to think we’re incompetent but we are actually capable of
watching our children – and even doing a good job of it! If you want to have a
break and get out of the house, please go – and trust us.

8.

We are not another one of your children. Please don’t speak of us
that way (we don’t think it’s cute) when talking with your friends, and please
don’t treat us that way. It diminishes us and you.

9.

We really wish we could give you all the material possessions your
heart desires. It is painful to us that we can’t. Please don’t increase the
pressure by constantly criticizing us about it.

10. We are simple creatures
with simple needs. We don’t require elaborate dinners on fancy china. We just
want the comfort of a warm home and the love of a good woman.

 

 

Ten Things Women Wish Men Knew

What, you say: Only 10?! Yes there
are more. This is just a starting point.

1.

We want you to tell us you love us. Yes, we need to hear the actual
words. We do not want to be like poor Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof,
begging his wife of 25 years to answer the question, “Do you love me?” We want
you to tell us. Frequently.

2.

And we want you to match your actions to your words. (Yes, we’re very
demanding!) If you tell us you love us and then proceed to ignore all of our
requests, needs and desires, your declaration will ring false. Not sure how? Ask
us. We have a list.

3.

We want to be more important than your job. We appreciate your (our)
need for the fulfillment of your career ambitions but we want to feel like we
are your first priority. This is usually manifested by calling
during the day to check in, taking our calls and sounding like you are
really interested in speaking to us, and treating us (at least) as nicely and
with as much respect and sense of importance as you do your top client.

4.

Time with you is much more valuable to us than more money. Yes, we
appreciate the nice possessions but we’d rather go for a walk with you or spend
a quiet evening together than receive a gift. Material goods do not and cannot
compensate for not seeing you.

5.

A few words of appreciation go a long way.“Thanks for dinner. It was
delicious. I really liked the flavor” is certainly encouraging. Everyone wants
to feel that their efforts are noticed and not taken for granted. Or: “I know
you are also busy; thanks for going to the cleaners.” You get the picture.

6. Although you never get
pregnant, our children are a shared responsibility. It is not “no big deal”
(your words) when I take care of them, nor is it “an extraordinary act of
kindness” (your implied words) when you do. (Along these same lines, I’ve
noticed that when I go out of town you are flooded with meals and offers of
help; yet when you go out of town, no one offers anything….) We are on this
journey together and we are both responsible for our family.

7.

Only telling us for our own good but 1) you’re wrong because it’s
hurtful and ineffective and 2) you’re probably doing it to make your life
easier. Like children (and plants) we grow best when nourished,
nurtured and loved.

8.

Just because we are capable doesn’t mean we want to do everything
ourselves. Changing a light bulb or taking out the garbage are not uniquely male
pursuits or skills. I am certainly capable of both (this is not a source of
great pride) and frequently engage in these activities. But we want you to
relieve our burden, to take care of us – in all respects. We feel emotionally
tended to when you take over some of these
responsibilities, mundane and otherwise.

9.

Clothing costs a lot more than you realize! I’m only partially being
tongue-in-cheek here. Especially for newly married men who have never walked
through the women’s section of a department store, the prices of basic shoes,
dresses and skirts may seem absurd. They probably are. But you need to be
sensitive to our needs and to what a realistic (considering many factors)
expenditure will be. This experience will stand you in good stead should you
ever be the parent of teenage girls!

10. Do not ever comment on
our weight except to say how thin and beautiful we look.

 

 

Christian Marriage Test

1. Christian Marriage is a

O contract

O commitment

O covenant

2.
To minister to my spouse is

O to submit

O to cherish

O to serve

3.
Marriage is

O 50/50

O 60/40

O 100/0

4.
God hates divorce

O true

O false

5.
Love is

O an emotion

O a decision

O blind

6.
The foundation of marriages

O trust

O communication

O God

7.
Sex is

O a covenant

O a gift from God

O a marital duty

8. Divorce is not a sin

O true

O false

9. Adultery is grounds for divorce

O true

O false

10. #1 reason for divorce

O incompatibility

O hardness of the heart

O finances

11. Gay marriage is permissible

0 true

0 false

12. The husband is the head of his
wife

O true

O false

13.
Going to bed angry is okay

O true

O false

14.
Dying to myself means

O physical death

O self deception

O denying my flesh

15. Forgiveness is

O a process

O a mandate

O difficult

16. Submission is for wives only

O true

O false

17. Infidelity can be sexual or
emotional

O true

O false

18. A wedding vow is

O a promise

O a solemn oath

O an agreement

19. When I’m really angry with my
spouse

O I should be quiet

O talk out the problem

O yell and scream

20. Withholding sex when I’m mad
is acceptable

O true

O false

21. Quality time with my spouse

O includes the kids

O is our time alone

O is going to Church

22. Women need affection more than
men

O true

O false

23. Praying together is

0 an act of intimacy

0 an inconvenience

O not necessary

24. How a husband treats his
wife can hinder his prayers

O true

O false